Just when you start to grow, Satan begins his attack. When you are ready to grow in your relationship with the Lord and/or the relationships that the Lord says are important to maintain, he starts throwing things at you to get you off track. We each have a choice to make at that point...let him stop you in your tracks or... tell him to leave you alone and put your focus back where it was before. How do I know this? Because I have lived it many times and am living it now. As a lot of you know, there is a 30 Day Challenge to Honor You Husbands that I am a part of. I am trying to stay focused on that challenge and Satan is throwing all sorts of things my way. I have not slept well for the last few days. I think I am feeling the pressure of our trip coming up so soon and not having anything ready yet. Nick, who has been doing so good for so long had a small but bad meltdown yesterday. That really made me feel depressed for most of today. Satan has done a job on me in that area for many years and he knew that would bring me down faster than anything else would. He was right. It tore me down. The meltdown wasn't very big and didn't last very long but it made me feel as if the whole world had come down on top of me. The weight was enormous. I have tried to push those feelings away all day but some kept lingering. I think I had to have the chance to get on here and put my feelings down so that I could let it go and move on. My day has been so busy with kids that I have not had a chance to do this.
So now that the kids are in bed and all the daycare kids are gone, I can sit down and spend some quiet time praying and reading encouraging words to build me back up to where God wants me to be. I have spent so many years, yes years, letting his meltdowns bring me down. I could be postitive about anything else and look at the bright side of things. But not that. I just couldn't see past the pain I felt. For years I have heard and believed, except for this situation, that "God doesn't give you more than you and He can handle together". I felt like it was a lie in this situation. I would shout to Him that I couldn't take anymore. That He was wrong if He thought I could handle it. The problem was that I was trying to handle it on my own. I kept taking it back and trying, like most moms, to "fix things". But I can't fix this. I can only give it to the Lord and leave it in His hands and be comforted in knowing that He does want the best for His children and does not want us to suffer for nothing.
I know these things and have for many years. But sometimes we have to be reminded of what we know. God is growing me in this and someday I know I will be able to offer some kind of support for someone else that has had to go through things like it. If I come away from all this learning nothing then it was for naught. I do not want that. Of course, no mother wants her children to suffer for any reason. I am no exception to that. I have watched my son suffer for many years now and feel the pain because of it.
I am looking forward to seeing him happy more than sad for a change. He has actually been pretty happy the last few weeks. I pray that returns for our vacation so we can build some good and happy memories for all of us.
Until next time...blessings to you.
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